Monday, September 12, 2011

ADVANCED DRIVING COURSE by Dorothy Davies

“It's called roadcraft, Mr Thomas, bit old-fashioned, you know, they don't teach it much these days.”

“Yes, I understand that: it's complicated, isn't it?”

“Not at all, not at all.  It's just learning to read the road, that's all. How far back the verges are cut, whether the shrubbery is cut down, that kind of thing. You can read the road, with practice.”

“Well, how did I do?”

“Very well, Mr Thomas, very well indeed. We'll make a fine driver out of you yet. Now, are you ready to move on?”

“I'm not...”

“Oh come on, you paid for the full course!”

“Yes, I know, but it's a bit...”

“Well, who knows what might happen?”

“True, true, but you know...”

“Backing out, are you? Going to let a couple of hundred pounds go to waste?

“If you put it like that...”

“Mr Thomas, I am putting it like that!”

“Well then, perhaps I...”

“Of course you should! Look, there's a nice convenient layby, let's stop there for a moment.  Let that patrol car go.”

“No witnesses, eh?”

“Something like that. Now, ready?”

“Well—all right, let's go for it!”

“Good man!  Do you would! Now, imagine you're in a battle zone, eh? Wrong side of the line in South London, okay? And this maniac cuts your foot off!”

“AHHHH!!!”

“Come on, Mr Thomas, drive!”

“I can't, I've got no...”

“Come on! That's the point of the course! What do you do? Use the other foot across two pedals, come on! You don't want them to get you, do you! What would you do if they broke into the car, eh? Fine, fine, know you could do a destination point or right? Then come on then! Get some speed up! Brilliant!”

“Oh God it hurts...”

“Wimp! Here, let me tie a tourniquet round it, there, that stopped the blood flow. Bit of a bind, that, takes ages to get it off the carpet and we’re not done, not yet. You're doing fine, Mr Thomas, you're doing just fine. Now brake, yes, that’s it. See, you can drive with one foot. Now...”

“Do we have to do this? I mean, I'm in a bit of pain and...”

“If you've gone this far, why not go the rest of the way. I say.”

“Well, the missus won't be best pleased if I give up now so all right.”

“Fine, fine, you're captured by these bank robbers and they’ve...removed your hand!”

“AAAHHHH!!!”

“Now drive, use your arm, lock it through the steering wheel, mind the blood! Fine, Mr Thomas, fine! Wavering a bit, trying to keep it straight down the middle of the lane or you’ll attract attention from the other drivers. Fine stuff, fine! Now pull over and we’ll tourniquet that one too.”

“Is there any more? I mean, I've lost a lot of blood and feel faint!”

“Well, Mr Thomas, how would you drive after a heart attack...”

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