legal here.
“You
gonna sit there all night?” The bartender asked.
“Hey, I’m
paying you, ain’t I?”
“Who even
says ‘ain’t’ anymore? What are you, a cow?”
“What?
Since when do cows say ain’t?”
“Isn’t
that what they were called? Cows? They’re in West movies.”
“Cowboys?
In Westerns?”
“Yeah,
sure, that.”
“And you
were the one criticizing my vocabulary?”
“You mean
vocab?”
“What
dialect is this? Where are you from?”
“Exgalon
4.”
“My
readership isn’t going to know where that is.”
I was working on a manuscript, not this one, openly on the counter. Due to brain chemical imbalance, it didn’t end up being remotely legible.
“Are you
writing down everything I’m saying?”
“...Yes?”
“Young
single ladies, my number is 547-”
“You
gotta pay for ads.”
“Don’t
you need to pay to use my words?”
“I have
plausible deniability.”
“You’re
awful.”
It was at
that point that the saloon doors burst open. Into a million pieces.
“OW, THE
SPLINTERS!” I yelled.
“Why did
you say ‘the splinters’? I’m right here. I have them too. Are you providing
exposition for your story?”
“…Yes?”
“I enjoy
long walks on the-”
“Cliff,
got it. Thanks. Now, who blew up the door?”
“That
would me.” A gruff voice bellowed from behind me. I turned around. The guy was
massive, probably a half ton. He was covered in scales all over.
“Are you
naked?” I asked.
“Huh!?
These scales are my clothes!”
“How’re
scales different than skin?”
“…Shut
up! You wanna fight or something!?”
“Ew, I
don’t want to fight some naked guy.”
“Wha- I’m
not naked!”
“Sir,”
The bartender said, “We don’t serve naked people here. You need to go to one of
those nudist bars. There’s one next door.”
“There’s
a nudist bar next door?” I asked.
“No, but
there is a hair salon. Hehehe.”
“You’re
cruel.”
“I HEARD
ALL THAT!” The scaly naked man yelled.
“Whatchoo
gonna do about it, punk?”
“You, me,
outside. We’re gonna handle this like adults.”
“Naked
adults, apparently.”
I got up
and walked out to the front of the saloon. It was a large, open road. There
were various shops on both sides of the road, but the place was pretty well
deserted.
“So, is
this a duel or something?” I asked.
“You can
still avoid it if you apologize!”
“Apologize
for what?”
“Calling
me naked! That hurt my feelings…”
“…But you
are naked, though.”
“That’s
it, take your paces! Let’s settle this!”
The scaly
man turned around and began walking away from me. I took out my laser pistol
and shot him in the back.
“That
hurt! Why’d you do that!?”
“That
didn’t kill you!?”
“Huh,
this wasn’t a duel to the death! You crazy?”
“That
shot would’ve killed me!”
“Oh,
really?”
“Don’t
‘oh, really’ me!”
“Well,
you shot me too early, cheater!”
“Who
would actually play fair in this situation! I like living, thank you very
much!”
“I like
living too!”
“Why did
you say that like you have something unique in common with me? Are you actually
braindead?”
“Stop
calling me names!”
“Look,
this seems like it was all some big misunderstanding. How about we head back in
the saloon, and permanently damage our gray matter with Photon Burst?”
“Woah, I
thought you said you liked living. That stuff’ll kill you.”
“Yeah,
thanks, mom. Now, shall we?”
“Yeah,
ok. As long as you don’t call me naked again.”
“We’ll,
uh, let’s agree to disagree.”
With
that, we both walked back to the saloon. Sadly, they kicked the scaly guy out
for public nudity. Well, that’s life. I drank until my mind oozed out of my
ears, and thoroughly annoyed the bartender. Really, all in all, it wasn’t a bad
night, for what I remember.
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