Simon, since he was the first to do it and did it as often as he could, was the first to ascend to the rank of Mustard Genius. In layman’s terms, the drug had a terribly destructive effect on the body while boosting the brainpower of the user to levels unheard of. Simon was wheelchair bound and nearly immobile in less than a year. He couldn’t even feed himself or make Mustard Tea. But we got him one of those Stephen Hawking Speak & Spells and he was solving all kinds of equations and riddles and mysteries. With the power of his mind.
He was the first but he was certainly not the only Genius to come along. In the beginning, most of them just hooked themselves into the World Wide Web and argued over who, in fact, was God here.
Simon was better than that. He spent a lot of time at the observatory having astronomers describe what they were seeing to him. His eyesight wasn’t what it once was. He now saw like a bee. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly never seen a bee looking through a high power telescope.
Fuck! One time I did see a monkey looking into a microscope, though. He was a circus monkey named something like Raskill or Rashnash or Rishiraja. I came into the lab and I distinctly laid eyes on him in the act of making an observation. He had glasses and a lab coat on and everything. When he saw me, he turned his head, bared his teeth and made a simian shriek, like he was tricking me into thinking he was just some stupid monkey. But I knew better. Because I recognized the distinct yellowish stains around his mouth that come from drinking a lot of Mustard Tea. He was a fucking Genius Monkey. And he was doing science right in front of me! As soon as I told his handler, they fired his ass, but he got a job with a local real estate agency not long after. I see his goddamn face all over the billboards and benches in the neighborhood they make me live in now.
Yeah, I have to live in a special neighborhood now, because I’m one of the people who is not a Mustard Genius. I tried that shit like once, but it’s just not my thing. Come to that, being smart is not really my thing neither. I’d rather fucking watch the circus and shit. Now they don’t even have monkeys, though, and some of the horses are looking pretty smart. Soon the horses will be smarter than me. Then what’s left? Elephants? Fuck. Those fuckers hate tea. So I guess I’m safe there.
Anyways, me and Simon were hanging out in the elephant pen after a show. It was the best. You have to get used to the smell, but after that, there’s nothing sweeter. Serious, bro. Just me and Simon and his Speak & Spell and some fucking elephants. It’s the life.
Simon figured out a way to get his machine to do elephant trumpet sounds, and he was talking to those fuckers and getting them to do all kinds of cool things like stand on their back legs and spray water on us and rob banks and shit. Pretty cool. But Simon also agrees that they shouldn’t be allowed to get smart, so he’s not telling them about Mustard Tea and that’s fine by me.
People keep offering me Mustard Tea. Kids always rolling up on motorized scooters with their stained up mouths. I always decline. I say I’m allergic. Helps with the peer pressure. Plus, that shit is super expensive now because there are only so many old games in existence. I can pretend I’m too poor.
When no one is looking I’ll dunk Prof. Plum in my regular tea, just for a little flavor, but I swear I’m growing a second dick. There’s a little hermit crab-looking thing that lives in the new cock’s foreskin, so I wouldn’t really recommend Plum dunking to humans or to elephants. Just stick Miss Scarlet up your ass while you masturbate. You’re better off.