Tuesday, March 5, 2019

BACON-TASTIC by Paul Mooney


"Hello, thanks for calling the Baconator 64000 Technical Support Hotline. My name's Carl, how can I help you? Okay, have you tried plugging it into a different outlet? I see. Let me put you through to the customer service department and they'll set you up with a new power cord lickety-split. Thanks for calling. Have a bacon-tastic day."

***

"Hello, thanks for calling the Baconator 64000 Technical Support Hotline. My name's Carl, how can I help you? Broken how? Wow, snapped completely in half, stainless steel casing and all. Damn. And how long have you owned your 64000? First time you used it, huh? No, no I believe you. It's a problem we've seen more than a few times with the recent models. Some sort of corrosive chemical in the new paint. Just leave it where it is and I'll put you through to our replacement department. No, literally leave it exactly where it is. The paint . . . yes, highly corrosive. The replacement department will provide you with proper HAZMAT disposal instructions. Thanks for calling. Have a bacon-tastic day."

***

"Hello, thanks for calling the Baconator 64000 Technical Support Hotline. My name's Carl, how can I help you? Goodness, was anyone injured? That is a relief. Was the cause of the fire determined to be the electrical system or the grease? Okay, well we need to know which in order to properly assess liability and your eligibility for a replacement. Bureaucratic stuff, you understand. Yes, ha-ha. I bet, I bet. So, once the Fire Marshall conducts his report please call back and we can sort this out. Thanks for calling. Have a bacon-tastic day."

***

"Hello, thanks for calling the Baconator 64000 Technical Support Hotline. My name's Carl, how can I help you? Yes, that's a common issue and an official recall is forthcoming. What degree burns did the prolonged spout of burning cooking oil cause? Hmm, yes, it'll do that. Ouch. If you give me your contact info, I'll forward your complaint to our compensation department, but I must tell you that they rarely pay out for anything lower than third degree. Thanks for calling. Have a bacon-tastic day."

***

"Hello, thanks for calling the Baconator 64000 Technical Support Hotline. My name's Carl, how can I help you? I'm sorry; I'm having trouble hearing you, sir or ma'am. Do you have the television or radio on? Oh, that's the 64000 making those noises? They're a chorus of hushed, echoing voices speaking in a language you can't understand but know in your heart has not been uttered aloud on this Earth in over three thousand years and their hissed words are filled with hate and tones of doom? Okay, is it doing it all the time or just when it's plugged in? All right so unplug it. Still with the voices? No, I hear them too. Please hold while I transfer you to our exorcism department. Thanks for calling. Have a bacon-tastic day."

***

"Hello, thanks for calling the Baconator 64000 Technical Support Hotline. My name's Carl, how can I help you? Your device was struck by lightning at midnight on a forsaken pagan holiday causing it to gain sentience and begin murdering your friends and loved ones on behalf of an ancient, unspeakable evil force? I'm sorry; lightning is considered an Act of God and not covered under the warranty. Thanks for calling. Have a bacon-tastic day."

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