ACTORS AND ACTRESSES (AND OTHERS) WANTED by Douglas Hackle

Small indie film production company seeks actors and actresses for new film. We are specifically looking for several males eighteen and older who are endowed with extremely small penises (no one whose penis is bigger than a light switch when fully erect need apply!!).  Males must be suicidal, though not necessarily suicidal because they have tiny penises. We also seek at least two males who are handy with chainsaws, preferably two unemployed lumberjacks (note: these actors need not have light switch dicks or any suicidal tendencies).  In terms of actresses, we are in need of several women eighteen and older who possess nostrils that are normal-sized or slightly-wider-than-normal. The film is a snuff movie tentatively titled Naughty Noses and Fucking Rolling Heads. 

Sorry, but we cannot afford to pay our actors and actresses; however, compensation will be given in the form of exposure and release from this weary world.

In addition to actors and actresses, we are looking for individuals to establish the small indie film production company that will produce the film. (Due to the inherent risks of such an immensely illegal undertaking, we would prefer not to do it ourselves.)

In addition to actors and actresses and individuals needed to establish the small indie film production company that will make the film, we are in need of someone to host private showings of the movie, preferably an individual with a large basement or garage.  (We would host these showings ourselves, but we’d be too afraid of getting busted.)

In addition to the actors and actresses, the individuals needed to establish the production company that will produce the film, and someone to host viewings, we are in need of an audience to attend the viewings.  (We would attend the viewings and watch the film ourselves, but we’re really not into that sort of thing anymore.)

Lastly, we need someone to write this casting call announcement and then publish it.  (We would write it and publish it ourselves, but we really don’t want any kind of involvement whatsoever in this sick, demented business.  So it follows that if you are reading this, we must have succeeded in finding an individual to take care of at least that task.)

All interested parties please contact yourself at your own phone number.  If for some reason you cannot get a hold of yourself, please call Megan at 5-55-555-5555-55555-555555-55555555-555555555-5555555555-55555555555-555555555555-5555555555555-55555555555555-555555555555555-55555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555-55555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555-2.